How To Be A Man – How To Be Present and Focused

How to be a man? Most men don’t think they need to know. Most men just carry on as if everything is OK. Can’t you see how you are losing out?

how to be a man

I am organising an evening event, here in Spain, on ‘Sizzling Relationships’. It’s based on the work I do with men, helping them learn how to be a man. There are lots of women signing up, even though my work is mainly with men. They are having difficulties, however, getting their men to come.

I am also having difficulties getting men to sign up for my course on ‘How To Love A Woman’..

What’s happening? Where are they? Where are the men? Don’t they want to know ‘How To Be A Man’?

Since I started ‘Graham Reid Phoenix’ I have had a core of men who see what I do and support it. The real support, however, has been from women who really ‘get it’. They see what I’m saying to men and they see that many of the men they know need it. They don’t go there out of control, they just want their relationships to soar and become sizzling hot. They want their men to know how to be a man.

I talk to women in their 30’s and 40’s about men and the work I do, they usually say to ‘Where are the men, don’t they know how to be a man?’

So, men, here’s what you need to know and do to get off the couch, learn how to be a man and start making things hot…

1. It Starts With You, Be A Man, Be Decisive

In any intimate relationship between a man and a woman the man needs to take the lead. This is an absolute essential. Indeed a man needs to do this in any relationship. A man needs to know what he wants and how he can create it.

Men, you need to step up and take the lead, you need to be decisive. Whether you are seeking to have a relationship or are already in one you need to show her what you want and what you feel. Anticipating her needs and desires is a key skill that will enable to move the relationship forward and make her your raving fan.

2. You Need To Work On It

I know you, I’m a man myself. You love being in your ‘Nothing Box’, you love just zoning out in the evening, having a meal and just relaxing. Well that’s OK occasionally but not all the time. If you’re not in a relationship you need to get off your ass and go find a woman. If you are in a relationship you need to work on it to create ‘sizzling’.

I know you love your woman, but that’s simply not enough. You need to pay attention to her and make her feel like a woman. Everyday you need to let her know what you feel, everyday you need to care for her and let her know you care for her. This should not be your whole life, however, she needs to know that you are a man.

3. You Are Already A Man, Show It

No excuses will be accepted, you are a man and you better start showing that you know it. Your inner nature is masculine, you know it deep down. Dig into your awareness of your inner self and find what’s down there, get to know how men think. You will find you core, your inner manhood. Accept it and start living authentically in it.

It’s too easy to be weak, to let go of your Male Energy. It’s too easy to expect your woman to create the excitement. It’s too easy to assume your animal magnetism will work wonders. It’s easy but it doesn’t work. What does work is you digging down into your manhood already there deep down.

4. Women Are Looking For You When You Know How To Be A Man

Are you shy? Do you think women will laugh at you? Get it into your head that women are looking for you. They are looking for a straight up guy who really believes in himself and his manhood. They are looking for a man they can trust, a man they can believe in. They’re not looking for a stud, they are looking for a confident, ordinary man like you.

You just have to be yourself, believe in yourself and be yourself and you will be amazed at what will happen. They will find you, they will be attracted to you, just wait and see.

5. Find Your Inner Certainty, Face Your Fears

I remember when I was young I was so unsure of myself, so unsure of what others would think of me, I feared what they would say. I was relying on other people’s reactions to validate myself. I was ignoring myself and my own reactions. Now I validate myself, I rely on my own sense of certainty I have faced my fears.

The double benefit from this is that other people then judge you based on your own sense of certainty. The see your certainty and think much better of you. Women, especially, look at you and sense someone who is grounded, someone who knows himself, someone they can trust.

6. Be Willing To Be Vulnerable, Be Willing To Fail

Once you build your own sense of certainty, once you rely on your own judgement rather than on other people’s judgement you can launch yourself into the world and take whatever comes. You don’t know what is going to happen, you don’t know what the result is going to be, but you do it all the same.

Doing this you show that you can accept vulnerability, you show that, as a man, you can take what the world throws at you. You can face failure because you that what it brings you is learning.This is what women look for in man more than anything else. Being vulnerable is not being weak, on the contrary it’s being strong, it’s being a leader.

7. Let Go Of Expectation, Love Life

Expectation equals frustration is something I have found in my own life. I often tell the story of how I met Urmila, my wife. After we met I was full of how great we would be together and I built up an expectation of where it would go. It didn’t happen until I let go of wanting or needing it to happen. When it didn’t matter any more, that’s when it happened.

I can’t emphasise this enough, you need to let go of what you need or want to happen. Manifesting is OK, having a vision is OK, but expecting it to happen is not OK. You become a man who is desperate, a man who pleads, that is anathema to a woman. You need to be strong and certain in yourself.

8. Find Your Role Model, Honour Other Men

There are so many stereotypes for men and most of them are unrealistic. The macho jerk is as unrealistic as the new age wimp. They both exhibit aspects of the annoying things men do. Out there, though, are real world people that you can model, real people with their own model of masculinity. Find them and model them, honour their masculinity.

As men, we are all different. Enjoy the differences and focus on what you want to be as a man. See the strength in all men, in all forms of masculinity, see the different ways men express their power. Model those ways but create your own ‘Personal Masculinity’.

9. Be Fully Present, Be A Man

Be focused on what is happening around you as well as on what you are doing. Being focused is one of the essential masculine qualities but it can be detrimental if you take it too far. You need to be fully present with those you are with. This is especially true of women, when you are with them they need your full attention, they need you to know what they are thinking and what they want.

Being a man is being the centre of attention, is being the person others want to be with. men and women will want to be part of your world because you make them feel important and an important part of your world. You create this be being present.

10. Start Afresh, Know How To Be A Man

You can let go of the past and start again each day. You can start afresh by being a man today. You can show that you know how to be a man by making today the most important day of your life. Start again today and create the life you dream of.

So men, how are you going to rise to the challenge? What do you want me to say the next time a woman says to me, “Where are the men?”, should I tell them that the men who come to ‘Graham Reid Phoenix’ know how to be a man?

—Photo‌: me and my dad


Other Posts in the series 'How To Love'


Journey to the Core of the Masculine
'Conversations about Men and Masculinity'
and 'A 40 Day Challenge for Men'

"Outstanding, insightful and thought-provoking" "Finally. Dialogue to comprehend!!!"

Two sections link together into a unique and powerful whole. First is a series of conversations with Chris Howard on masculinity, sex and relationships. Second is a challenge for men to spend 40 days reflecting on themselves and their life.